I'm still here

I survived the 3 1/2 hrs in the dentist chair, for the gum graph, on Tuesday. I am still recovering, but getting better. A little ice pack on the face in the morning, and I am able to get out of bed shortly thereafter. I decided not to go in for the root canal today cause the pain seems to be getting better from that troublesome molar. Keep your fingers crossed that this may have done the trick, and the nerves associated with the molar will be quiet now!

DH is finishing up his last day of leave today.. its all ready been a month home for him! His been looking after the kidlets this week while I mend and I think he has enjoyed every minute of it - even collecting the stool sample to bring to the Children's!

This isn't how it's really meant to be...

Some of you know that January 12th looms large for me. It is the day that Jacob was born, and the day that I lost so much, including the "old me". The first year since that fateful day was marked with recovery and trying to stand up again. The second year was marked with the chase for Kaitlynn. Now, in a week, it will have been three years since the day I almost lost my life and while I am standing, I am still grieving for what was meant to be. It has tainted every breath I have taken since that fateful day.

January 5th is the day, three years ago, when things came to a head... and I was rushed to the hospital, dreading, hoping, praying. We started today in 2008 with a loving beginning, to falter only a couple of times. I finally let Greg put the baby bottles away from the cabinet, that holds the children's dishes. I thought I was ready, but still the grief and the tears came. We put the bottles downstairs with the other baby stuff, Greg reassuring me all along that we weren't throwing them out or making any other plans for them, but just moving them downstairs with the other baby stuff. The crib that we set up for Kaitlynn won't be coming down soon, I guess.

There are so many things that we were meant to be, at least that is what I believed. Now, I still don't know what I was meant to be... and what I am meant to be, and what I will be. Grief still has me.. and I am left to carry on and wonder why.

If butterflies are free to fly
Why do they fly away
Leaving me to carry on and wonder why...

I leave you with this to ponder...

Oh damn, part deux

Well, here it is -30 outside and we should all be comfy cosy in our Centrally Heated home right? NOT! Damn furnace doesn't work again, and we were at 18 degrees on the main floor, and I think upstairs it was much colder. This is the second time in about 3 weeks that we have had to call to get the damn thing looked at. Problem yet again is that there is air in the lines, so the repair guy had to bleed the lines again. Its now a comfy 23, as we are trying to get the upstairs heated for the kiddies bedtime. There is a solution - install a thing-a-mabob beside the furnace or destroy the basement and install a second line to the oil tank... as should have been done in the first place - and guess what, its going to cost. Just after we got a quote for snow tires for the truck that was reasonable, and here I am thinking, ok an extra $200 to pay down some debt. Well, not going to happen... again. Can you tell I am a bit frustrated? No really, can you tell?


Boys should be home tomorrow sometime, and that means no more sleeping in till 9ish and quiet days. Have I mentioned how quiet 2 two year olds can be? Quieter than a 6 and 5 year old. Can hardly wait to have the whole crew together again.

Oh damn...

I finally got on the damn thing, and damn it, I've gained... again... that's what you get for being on the See diet. Umm, that would be, I SEE it, I eat it. I think this is the first Christmas in like 7 years that I didn't think twice about having a chocolate or a glass a wine or some trifle or some cookies... which was kind of liberating, but now I am paying the price for that freedom. So here we go again, back on my exercise/no sugar diet again, and again, and again. I hadn't wanted to start until after my surgery next week, but I don't think I can wait now that I know all the work that awaits me. The advantage I have is I will probably not want to eat much next week anyways, so it might help in the end... I just won't be able to do any exercise 'cause my blood pressure can't go up for three days (Ha! Good one... I have 4 kids, as if that is going to happen!)

Today was supposed to be day 1 of potty training for at least Jacob... however, the little bugger has developed a case of the runs overnight. So no potty training today for him! Kaitlynn is ready, but we want her language skills to be a little stronger so that we can understand when she has to go... she just gets a blank stare on her face when we ask her.