This isn't how it's really meant to be...

Some of you know that January 12th looms large for me. It is the day that Jacob was born, and the day that I lost so much, including the "old me". The first year since that fateful day was marked with recovery and trying to stand up again. The second year was marked with the chase for Kaitlynn. Now, in a week, it will have been three years since the day I almost lost my life and while I am standing, I am still grieving for what was meant to be. It has tainted every breath I have taken since that fateful day.

January 5th is the day, three years ago, when things came to a head... and I was rushed to the hospital, dreading, hoping, praying. We started today in 2008 with a loving beginning, to falter only a couple of times. I finally let Greg put the baby bottles away from the cabinet, that holds the children's dishes. I thought I was ready, but still the grief and the tears came. We put the bottles downstairs with the other baby stuff, Greg reassuring me all along that we weren't throwing them out or making any other plans for them, but just moving them downstairs with the other baby stuff. The crib that we set up for Kaitlynn won't be coming down soon, I guess.

There are so many things that we were meant to be, at least that is what I believed. Now, I still don't know what I was meant to be... and what I am meant to be, and what I will be. Grief still has me.. and I am left to carry on and wonder why.

If butterflies are free to fly
Why do they fly away
Leaving me to carry on and wonder why...