This post has been floating in my brain for weeks, and I think it needs to come out now. When I was pregnant the first time, I read everything I could get my hands on, talked to everyone I could about what it was like having a baby, was up on the latest nursery decorations, thought I was very well prepared for what was coming. Haha... well, didn't expect 3 days of labour ending in a c-section, didn't expect a massive blood infection that floored me and kept me in the hospital for over 2 weeks, didn't expect my hubby (who is now my ex) to care so little for me during the labour nor during the infection, and finally, couldn't believe it when they handed my Tristan and wondered "Ok, now what?".
You would think I would learn... but I haven't. I did exactly the same thing for this "birth" that I did with Tristan. Read everything, talked to everyone, thought I was organized and ready for anything and everything. NOT! Alot of the trip, I kept saying to Greg... why didn't anyone tell me this or that? Even if someone had, I don't think I would have been prepared for what has been going on, just as the other families I met in Beijing were not ready for what they were going through. What exactly am I talking about? Well, I figure I should share this for other adoptive parents - take it or leave it, its up to you, but somehow I think it will make me feel better that I have shared this somehow:
1. Your child will be nothing like you expected.
2. Someone else's child may look like an angel compared to yours who is spewing congee in the restaurant, but you do not know what happens behind closed doors or in the most public places you can think of (think airport arrivals area in Beijing). Don't compare!
3. Stay calm, at peace... your child will pick up on it, and will calm down if they are panicked. If you have never changed a diaper, and are panicking... calm down, deep breath... you can do this, its been done a million times by a million parents with no one loosing any limbs.
4. Your emotions will be all over the place, to the point that you think you are going crazy sometimes. This (I think) is normal.
5. The jetlag on the way back is just brutal. Have family and friends available to help you during the day, to keep your sanity and keep you fed. That's about all you can hope for during that first 10 days or so.
6. Plan to be away from LIFE as you know it for at least an additional 2 weeks beyond your travel. (This applies to those that have kids all ready; if you have no kids yet... say goodbye to your LIFE as you know it now, get ready to redefine normal as you will find it again in about 18 yrs or so... maybe).
7. The stares you will get from people in China will make your DH want to get violent, even though there is not one violent bone in his body.
8. Practice putting and taking diapers off a child in every inconvenient spot you can think of - back of taxis, in the tailgate of a van, on an airplane seat, child standing up in a filthy bathroom. Do this over and over again, until you can do it with your eyes closed, on zero sleep, in under 10 seconds. You think this is funny... I'm not kidding.
9. Practice having a diaper bag ready by the door, with snacks, change of clothing, toys, diapers, wipes, bottle. Bring it with you whenever you go out - leave it in the car - and ask hubby to take one thing out from time to time, so that you get into the habit of knowing just by weight and shift what is missing and add it promptly.
10. Say good bye to sex with hubby. Well, ok.. temporarily, like for the next several months or so.
11. Meds: well, everyone has their own system for this so I'm going out on a limb here. Carry only 1 painkiller/fever reducer and salinex with you on your person. I prefer Motrin/Advil personally cause it lasts up to 8 hrs, but you are fine with Tempra. Salinex is every mother's godsend - use it at the first sign of sniffles, and you will avoid ear infections, and the like. You will thank me for this one.
12. Do not go and get your child's medicare card the first week you are back. Do not go until the Wednesday of the following week - it opens at 10 am, get there by 9:45 am and you will be done at 10:30 am. (If you don't take my advice, you will end up spending 2 hrs wasting your time waiting for nothing cause you will leave empty handed with a screaming and unhappy child).
13. The beds in China are rock hard - you will get used to them, but you will love your bed when you get home.
14. Locate the nearest Starbucks or Haagen Daz restaurants (yes, that's right ... an ice cream from heaven RESTAURANT). Go in case of home sickness, or if you want to see some North Americans from time to time. You will get nods of acknowledgments that will make things a bit easier.
15. Be proud of yourself for going to such a foreign country and making it back. (I'm not there yet... still a bit shell shocked).
16. Your child in China is not the same child you will live with at home.
17. Bring some good books to read and be prepared to read them in the most uncomfortable spots while your child sleeps at night or during nap time - bathroom, hallway just outside your room, closet (I kid you not... I needed light, and the closet light was the only light available).
18. Give yourself time to adjust and to fall in love with your child. Accept the fact that it may happen quickly or not for a while... either way, its the right pace for you and her.
19. People will say all sorts of lovely things to you about what wonderful people you are to adopt a child. You can correct them and say something to the effect that its actually a selfish thing on your part cause you wanted this child for xyz reasons. Be prepared for the "are you growing a third head on your shoulder" look - people who do not adopt don't get it, and you can't change the world to make them understand what you have gone through to get your child.
20. Relax, don't sweat the small stuff. Your child will in fact be able to eat by themselves and brush their own teeth by the age of 18 yrs. And you will, one day, be able to have a good night's sleep.
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5 comments:
Frank and honest. I totally appreciate it. Remind me of it whenever our time comes.
Keep smilin!
I'm sure many will benefit from your advice! You know, I'm sure no matter how prepared you think you are it's just as terrifying as when they place your newborn baby in your arms. More, maybe? Anyhow - hang in there!
ROFL!! Of course you know that people reading this will feel wellread and informed and then be completely unprepared for THEIR totally different experience when they do it themselves! ;D
I laughed a lot reading this... ie the diaper changing. Fortunately disposable diapers are the easiest things I have ever seen (far easier than pulling up underpants which invariably roll and get all twisted up in elastic) and I managed to do every single diaper change in China with the kid standing up leaning over my leg. Cuz I tell ya, the wierd places and filthy floors!
I totally agree with #19. They DO look at you like you have a third head when you contradict them about "saving this poor child". It doesn't work.
Weirdly enough my child at home and in china is the same child. Really.
No, I didn't do starbucks (ok once at the airport cuz it was what was there) and revelled in the foreign restaurant experience. So much great food!!
And if you smile and say Ni Hao! and nod, those stares on the street in China instantly turn to smiles, Ni Hao's, friendly interaction with your child and encouraging gestures and words. The only people I wanted to boink were related to our adoption (ok there was the taxi guy who acted like a child in his car was a pig out of a pigsty). Really. A chinese english dictionary is your greatest ally to break those stares.
I never had time to read books: I wrote blog entries in the couple of hours the Tao was sleeping before me, and packed for our day the half hour in the morning before he got up. Other times he slept he was in his stroller and we were out walking (or climbing down the Great Wall).
You are oh so right about the diaper bag, the timechanges, LIFE for the first several weeks home etc. Great post! Hope you are getting settled! I am impressed by how many blog entries you have managed since you got home!! Way ta go!
Nicely put , but even when the kids are all grown up and you think WOW time for a vacation there they are my oldest just turned 30 and he must call once a day and comes to the house several times a week , likes to see what we are having for supper then sticks around pulls a chair and eats , my boys are all grown up and out of the house or so I thought each and everyone of them call nearly daily for advice or just to say Hi Mom , and I must say i love hearing from them every single time , Stef hats of to you are doing so well
colette
I remember repeating #3 to myself as we took off in the airplane for the first time with our DD. I'm not afraid to fly, but I was so worried about what her reaction was going to be. It worked, but staying relaxed and calm was a constant struggle for me during that trip.
Yep, it's not a race. Everyone adjusts at their own pace. Watch your child's signals, support them when they are overwhelmed and hold on.
Awesome post Stef.
Dawn
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